Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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