I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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