just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
