you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and she was petting her beer can
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
