If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Even my vagina gasped.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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