Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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