it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
