i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
