if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
pop tarts are not kleenex
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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