yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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