I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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