She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
