dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
