A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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