My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
