Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This is my gift to your gina
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
