They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
