I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
