Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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