first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
