Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need to calm my uterus...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
