I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
