Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
