Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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