But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
