We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I will die if light touches me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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