I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
