Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
