if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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