You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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