call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize