Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
