First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize