i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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