I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
