we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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