My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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