Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
