Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
