i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize