I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
