Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
