Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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