explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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