i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
