I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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