we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
