I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
