I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
