can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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