At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
