I puked a lego.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
