i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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