Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
not ubering you a puppy
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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