I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
