I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
