i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
