Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
