Three words: puerto rican gang bang
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
