I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
